JOKES!!!!

[CatDaddy]

Copy and paste some good CLEAN jokes here..

[CatDaddy]

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his
shoulder. The Bartender says,
"Hey, where did you get that?"

The "parrot" says,
Kenya........They are all over the place

[yak'em-n-stack'em]

Boooooommmm

[Castaway]

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

[Red Devil]

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG..
Looks like a rat.. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale..

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent
condition.
$1, 000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

:*****::*****::*****::*****::*****::*****:

[BIG]

How To Shower Like a Woman



1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks


2. Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do

more sit-ups.


4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,and pumice stone.


5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.


6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.


7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.


8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.


9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.


10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs


12. Turn off shower


13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.


14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.


16. Return to bedroom wearing long bathrobe and towel on head.




How To Shower Like a Man




1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.


2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.


3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ***.


4. Get in the shower.


5. Wash your face


6. Wash your armpits


7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.


8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.


9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.


10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.


11. Shampoo your hair.


12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.


13. Pee.


14. Rinse off and get out of shower.


15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.


16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.


17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.


18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.


19. Throw wet towel on bed.

[Big Lake Blondie]

For the boys...:D lol...

From: The International Council of Man Laws.
For the avoidance of any doubt, the following have been decreed;

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Jessica Alba starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is optional. At
that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's
choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

8: When stumbling upon another guy watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing..

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model ,
and when it's free.

11: Only in situations of mortal peril are you al lowed to kick another
guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked..

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as=2 0the other sports watcher.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone ..
Hang up if necessary.

22: It's the morning after y ou and a girl who was formerly 'just a
friend' have had carnal, drunken sex. The fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.

24: It is illegal for a man to buy a car in the colors of brown, pink,
lime green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for
Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want! ' gets an
Xbox360. End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by y our wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife squarely
on the *** and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws.

[Big Lake Blondie]

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gottenover-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped inthe cemetery.One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take offher panties and use them.Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties anddid not want to ruin them.She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreathwith a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normallysweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned theother husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'mstarting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!''That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a cardstuck to her butt that said.....'From all of us at the Fire Station.We'll never forget you.''

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

[Big Lake Blondie]

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries? A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,"Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly. The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" “Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said,"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that, too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today.":)

[Drake11]

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go down to N.O and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Baton Rouge until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to N.O. for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?

[Big Lake Blondie]

the Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the Rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

6. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way

11. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

15. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

17. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.

18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey
or golf.

20. You have enough clothes...

21. You have too many shoes.

22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

23. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh..

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.

[CatDaddy]

3 Kids Fishing

Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3
kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He
was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they
wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '

Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my
special Senator's airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air
Jordan 's shoes.'

Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!'

[huntin fool]

lol catdaddy!!!!!!!.

[Dano]

(http://www.saltycajun.com/forum/member.php?u=4) http://www.saltycajun.com/forum/image.php?u=4&dateline=1242323385 (http://www.saltycajun.com/forum/member.php?u=4)
http://www.saltycajun.com/forum/image.php?u=4&dateline=1242323385 (http://www.saltycajun.com/forum/member.php?u=4) "W" (http://www.saltycajun.com/forum/member.php?u=4) http://www.saltycajun.com/forum/images/statusicon/user_offline.gif Most Famous "W"
http://www.saltycajun.com/forum/image.php?u=4&dateline=1242323385 (http://www.saltycajun.com/forum/member.php?u=4)

[killa k]

An Aggie leaves College Station to go on vacation in Louisiana and decides he wants a pair of alligator boots but is reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.

"I'll just catch my own alligator," he tells one shopkeeper," so I can get a pair of boots for free."

He stomps out of the store and heads for the swamp.

Later, as the shopkeeper drives home, he spots the Aggie standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.

He takes aim and shoots the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watches in amazement as he struggles to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators are lined up.

"Oh, no," the Aggie shouts in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any boots either!"
:rotfl:

[Big Flounder]

*Little Johnny Meets Barack Obama*

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and visiting one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy..'

So our illustrious President asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident"

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call a great loss.."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

"Well," says Little Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.."

[Big_Country]

that was freakin hilarious... got any more? :*****::*****::*****::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::*****:: *****::*****:

[Big Flounder]

that was freakin hilarious... got any more? :*****::*****::*****::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::*****:: *****::*****:

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, “What would you like to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles.
“OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know ****?”

[Big_Country]

YOU GOT EVERYBODY ROLLIN OVER HERE!!!! keep'em coming!!!

[Big Flounder]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read: “Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Love, Tommy

[Big Lake Blondie]

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas
is planning to do one entitled "Survivor, Texas Style".

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin ,
San Antonio , over to Houston , and down to Brownsville .

They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa ,
Lubbock , and Amarillo .

From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth , and finally back toDallas .

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read "I'm
Gay", "I Love the Dixie Chicks", "Boycott Beef", "I Voted for Obama", "George Strait Sucks", "Hillary in 2012", and "I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns".

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!!!

[CatDaddy]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.



She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. "She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."



The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat!" "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[CatDaddy]

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing
> > trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
> > because his wife wouldn't let him.. After a lot of teasing and name
> > calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up
> > camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the
> > campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a
> > camp fire glowing.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "I didn't have to," Dave replied.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my
> > chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind
> > me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
> > through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to
> > the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"

[flounder_smacker]

man died and went to heaven as he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates; he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"




Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."




"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"



"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."



"Incredible," said the man". And whose clock is that one?"



St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's Barack Obama's clock?" asked the man.



"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.



He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[CatDaddy]

:*****:

[Hebert]

T-boy from youtube lol



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVvpnBL6rPY

[wtretrievers]

One day Salty decided to wash his sweat shirt, Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends" his wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

Salty yelled back...."OKLAHOMA SOONERS!":shaking::shaking::shaking:

& they say blondes are dumb

Sorry Salty! couldnt pass that one up!

[Deadly D]

One day Salty decided to wash his sweat shirt, Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends" his wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

Salty yelled back...."OKLAHOMA SOONERS!":shaking::shaking::shaking:

& they say blondes are dumb

Sorry Salty! couldnt pass that one up!
Jeff you know that want go over good.:*****:

[southern151]

Here's a few that I have. I got a couple of more but, I'm afraid they might have me hangin out in W's corner if I posted em outside the net.


3110

3111

3112

3113

[southern151]

Some sad realities here, fellas!...



3114

[southern151]

Kids need a hobby on summer break?:*****::*****::*****: I may be going to hell!

[southern151]

Awoman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
[She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am 'About 32,' is the reply. 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.


Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other..

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

[CatDaddy]

I was in the Circle Top yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[CatDaddy]

Jose
> and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different
> areas of town.
>
> Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but
> only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.
>
> Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills
> every day.
> He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free
> house, and has a lot of money to spend.
>
> "Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work
> just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home
> a suitcase fullof ten dollar bills every day?
>
> Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it
> say?"
>
> Carlo's sign reads: "I have no work, a wife and
> six kids to support."
>
> "What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks
> him..
>
> "No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a
> day!"
>
> Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign
> say?"
>
> It reads, "I only need ten
> dollars to get back to Mexico

[MulletBreath]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.


The End

[speck-chaser]

Police Do Care....



The Lexington Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Kentucky River just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge . The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on, and an Obama t-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his butt. The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

[FlatoutFishin]

Police Do Care....



The Lexington Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Kentucky River just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge . The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on, and an Obama t-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his butt. The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.


Oldie(if 6 months is old) but a goody! LOL

[Big Lake Blondie]

> A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
> Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the
> road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.. The Marine
> was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad
> leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I
> was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south
> was a heavily armed insurgent."
>
> We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
> I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who
> got what he deserved.
> He yelled back that Barrack Obama is a dumb, good-for-nothing, left wing
> liberal faggot who doesn't know how to drive.
> So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited
> lesbian!
> He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"
> "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck
> hit us."
:*****::*****::*****:

[CatDaddy]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans ..

[YellaBlazer]

How many SaltyCajun members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in W's posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 Texas know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker from LSM to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over.

[CatDaddy]

Heard that Texas A&M no longer sells ice at the stadium?


The only student with the recipe graduated, and wont sell it..

[Big Lake Blondie]

two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
after a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel
the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
these two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'
the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says,
'you know, i think my girl was dead!'
'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?
'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'
'a witch ??. .. Why the hell would you say that?'
'well, i was making love to her,
kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her!'

[Big Lake Blondie]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

CIGARETTES
AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, ' You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she..
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he notice d a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[speck-chaser]

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
http://sn112w.snt112.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.85.183/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d38ad205d-4986-4770-9abf-537f5b607da0.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMDEuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a1.1266671896%2540web1 80607.mail.sp1.yahoo.com&oneredir=1&ip=10.13.22.8&d=d4193&mf=0&a=01_39e17a7f8a2bc164a98cf70d3db506736d0ac26b95d57 8229986573b162b056c

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[huntin fool]

A woman walked into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15
kids. "WOW!" the social worker exclaimed. "Are they all yours?"
"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighed, having heard
that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."
All the children rushed to find seats.
"Well," said the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names."
"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the
girls are all named 'Leighroy'"
In disbelief, the case worker asked, "Are you serious? They're
ALL named Leroy?"
Their momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes
a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the
street, I just yell Leroy' and all
of them stop. It's the smartest
idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thought this over for a bit, then wrinkled her
forehead and said tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid
to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Then I call them by their last names."

[speck-chaser]

just got this in an email. Whats the difference between the washington zoo and the white house? the washington zoo has an African lion. The white house has a lyin' African.

[yak'em-n-stack'em]

Racistttttt

[speck-chaser]

did I not call him African? whats the deal?

[yak'em-n-stack'em]

haha its a joke speck lol i say that all the time no worries

huntin fool i really laughed out loud on that one

[CatDaddy]

just got this in an email. Whats the difference between the washington zoo and the white house? the washington zoo has an African lion. The white house has a lyin' African.

LMAOOOOO

did I not call him African? whats the deal?


Actually...... We dont know what he is....Nobody does..

[catch.and.fillet]

Sitting in an airport in Shanghai cruising the SC and here's my favorite:

Boudreaux, Thibodaux, and Aucoin are sitting at the fishin' camp drinking beer and Boudreaux offers:

"Man, whatchall tink is the fastest thing in the world?"

They were all quiet and Boudreaux says:

" I tink it's when you tink. You know, you tink of somtin', and you have a thought. It's like right there. That's got to be the fastest ting in the world."

They all took a swig and shook their heads, yep.

Thibodaux says:

"Man, I think it's when you blink. You know, you blink, you don't even notice it, your eyelids go down, man, that's fast."

They all took a swig and shook their heads, yep, that's fast.

Aucoin burps and says:

"Man, it's when you turn on the light, you know, lectricity. You turn on the light and it's on! What day call dat? Yea, speed of light."

They all took a swig and shook their heads, yep, that's fast.

Boudreaux all of sudden says:

"Nah, I change my answer.

"The fast tink in the world is diarreah."

Thibodaux and Aucoin looked at Boudreaux and bot said "Diarreah?".

Boudreaux said:

"Yea, man, I was sitting in my boxers yesterday watchin Oprah, and man, I felt like I had to a pass a little gas so I leaned over, and man, before I could TINK, BLINK, OR TURN ON THE LIGHT, I sh*t myself!"

[speck-chaser]

LMAOOOOO




Actually...... We dont know what he is....Nobody does..



I can tell you a few things he aint!!!!

[Big Lake Blondie]

1) My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


2) My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


3) Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started ...


4) I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then that leaves me six guesses, which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....


5) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...


6) When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...


7) After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


8) My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


9) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


10) A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[CatDaddy]

For all you texas guys....

Copper wire facts


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Texas archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, A story in the Texas Times read: ' Texas archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'



One week later. A local newspaper in Louisiana reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near St. Martinville, Bubba Boudreaux, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Louisiana had already gone wireless..



Just makes you proud to live in Louisiana !

[speck-chaser]

Recently the Russians developed a titanium rod that was 100 times stronger than steel for its size, with a diameter that was so small it was invisible. Wanting to show off, they sent it to America. The Americans drilled a hole in the center of it and mailed it back.

[CatDaddy]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to
the local church for confession.



When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said:
"Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood
knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid
her in my attic."



The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."



"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'



The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances
can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly
sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."



"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question."



"And what is that?" asked the priest.



"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[Jordan]

lmao !!!!!!!

[express07]

It's out the new list of restaurants not to eat at.











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[express07]

Restaurants not to eat at....

[Jordan]

none of the pics showed...