Anyone here been divorced?
 

I have finally had enough and am seriously contemplating getting a divorce. Only problem is my son turns 4 on Wednesday and he is my ENTIRE world. Should I just be miserable for him or should I go for it and hope for the best? Anyone been in this situation with any input?

Been there, done that. My son was 6 when I got divorced....one of the hardest things I ever did but I figured he deserved a happy parent and not a miserable one. The only advice I have is to make sure you can look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say that you gave it your all. If you can do that and tried everything to make it work and it's still bad, then do it. Just be sure that no matter what, you don't let the anger and hurt of divorce get in the way of raising your son. You have to suck up your pride and always put his best interest first. Best of luck...and prayers for the road you may travel.

I can't say I've given it my all but I do know that I don't have anything left. Thank you for your response.

I have a friend in a similar situation...He has stayed with his wife due to his daughter and it hurts us everytime we see him because he is absolutely miserable...If both sides have done everything in their power to make it work and the love is just gone with no hope of coming back, then it is probably for the best...Is the divorce decision a one sided one or mutual?

One sided.

idk, I can say that you do need to try everything. communication is going to be the big thing. It's easy to give up but for the sake of your kids I think you need to sit and talk things out. This seems like basic and Im talking stupid but if its just one sided then it seems like there may be some communication gaps going on. Now with this being said, its hard to give you good feedback because we don't know the issues at hand(not saying you need to post them though). I think you should try a few routes. Start by looking back at what brought you together and at what point it changed, seek some good christian counseling, and open communication about your feelings as well as hers. It just seems like if its a one sided thing, that there can be something to bring it all back together, its just gonna take work on both sides and honest communications.

I wish you the best and will pray for your situation

If you are miserable, get out. Just my opinion.
It will only get worse.
I got divorced in 1991. My wife at the time said she was going to take everything.
The judge said different.
I didn't care about the money. If you are happy, the money won't make any difference.

We all get to the point in our marriage where you want to throw your hands up and say "I quit!", but that's easy...You have to stop and remember that you married one another for a reason and that reason didn't just disappear over night...You have to sit down sometimes and have a SERIOUS heart to heart with one another about what you need out of the relationship and how you really feel...It is not always pretty, but a lot more effective than letting things get worse and worse without talking or counseling...I do agree in the "good christian counseling" part because it will make you take an honest look at your relationship, generally without being a "he said, she said" blow up...Communication is the key and a big problem that I see in marriages is one the honeymoon phase is over, you drift apart...You both start doing your own things and then start resenting one another because you are on diffferent pages and don't remember how to get back to where you were...Kids are a blessing, but do put a strain on any relationship...Everyone needs to have "couple time" at least once a week where you can focus on nothing else but each other and remember what caused you to fall in love in the first place...:) Just my opinion; hope it helps

Dadsdivorcedotcom
Good advice, from men.
Read "the list"
don't go there if you have thin skin
trust me on this.

My advice, if you can't work it out, you have exhausted all options, go ahead and take the hit in the short term. It will be much easier in the long run, especially with the children. Ideally you could move into a new place close to your son.

My parents stayed together for the kids. It made everything worse because they were terrible at acting like they loved each other. It made every situation awkward and created long lasting resentment from my siblings to my parents.

I talk to both my parents today. For I while I did not. My siblings each one of them has at least one parent they will not communicate with. Unless you and your wife are Oscar caliber actors, don't do it. It will be better for everybody.

The problem is we spend too much time together. Plus I am a hard arse and she let's the kids do whatever. I have two step sons(21 and 11)and a 4 year old that is ours. The steps are a complete waste of space. They do nothing. Disrespect both of us. The 21 wanted to fight me the other day cause I told him to grow up. I went after him but the wife stepped in. He is now out of my house. I have been telling my wife for years that I am tired of always being the bad guy. Now that I have had enough she wants to go to counsiling and all that crap. I would rather spend the money on a boat. I guess time will tell.

i know someone going through nearly the same thing and they are now getting a divorce. They've been through counselling a few times and everything but she doesn't discipline the children and every time he steps in; she makes him look like the bad guy. The kids are terrible when she's around but if they are only around him; they are well behaved. He has already told her that they are getting divorced over stupidity. That was his exact words. Good luck and sending prayers.

My Dad stayed with my Mom until my sister and I were grown, but I don't think they had much of a marriage. My first wife left me with two children after 18 years of marriage. I eventually remarried, started over and we have a 5 year old little girl. Divorce is very hard on children (at any age). Pretty much been thru it all. I live in BR, if you need someone to talk to pm me, I'll be happy meet you somewhere over lunch or heck even a fishing trip. Like the others have said PRAY, COMMUNICATE, and keep trying! The 4 yr old deserves it. Oh, one other thing, I had to kick my own son out at 18.

I didn't want to kick him out but he is a lazy P.O.S. When I had back surgery I had to pay someone to cut the grass because he wouldn't. The 11 year old is the same way and my 4 year old is starting to pick it up from them. When I was young you did whatever you were told and helped asked or not. I guess its just a different world. And I'm only 32!!!

I was on the brink of getting a divorce. Started seeing a marriage councilor. It wasn't that expensive, and it saved our marriage. "H" said it all... COMMUNICATION. Let her know what you are thinking good or bad, and talk through it. We have a 9 and 10 year old, and I know they need both parents under one roof. Not trying to preach to you, but I know exactly how you feel being at the end of your rope. My wife and I still argue, but nothing like we use to do. Good luck to you.

I am glad I got divorced. Wasn't at first, but it worked out a lot better.
Wife #2 is a lot better than wife #1.

i understand the kid issue...got a family member that got remarried and going through the same thing...he's miserable...his wife, however, doesn't care what he thinks...hopefully yours does...the only way to know is just straight up talk...let it all out...good or bad, if ya'll love each other, you should both be able to bend and flex in order to make the relationship work...no bend, no flex, then you break...:( if you don't want to break, then you will do your part to help make the relationship work and she will have to do hers...they say marriage is 50/50...it isn't...it's 100/100...you have to give it all you got...hopefully ya'll can figure it out :)

Some people just want to get married and do what ever it takes to get someone to marry them.
Then once they get what they want, they quit doing what their spouse liked that got them to marry them.
If you want to stay married, don't change what you did to get them to marry you.
I made sure wife #2 knew how I felt before we got married. I promised not to change if she promised not to change.
So far, so good.

ten years on marriage #2
Not once did I sit in agony wanting wife number one back.

Wife #1 was 6 years.
Divorced 10 years.
Wife #2 has been 10 years and going.

You can learn a lot from a big mistake.

we did the counsoling thing , dont know if it was to late or what but for what ever reason nothing changed so now we are getting a divorce , but we did try to work things out at least i feel that we did . bottom line something needs to change even if you are in the right you may need to change to make the realitionship work thats what suck and i could not swallow that so i filed for divorce

TAAHM - couples counseling, 'nuff said...

:p:p:p

The two and a half men clip is priceless.She tells me today we are going to the couples deal Thursday at 1.I guess here we go!!!

good luck!

Hey bud, don't go with that attitude or it will never work. its your marriage.

So very true.....half the battle starts in your own mind. If you don't go into it with 100% then you're not being fair to either of you. Good luck!

I would say...
if you have made up your mind. Don't Put any of you through this.
Sit down with her and make a plan that is amicable.

I JUST settled after 10 years Monday the 10th.
Well almost settled.
Man get to the website I mentioned and READ

Good luck and hopefully everything will work out for the best!

yep
 

easier than divorce court

What's the secret to a long happy marriage? Learning to say your sorry.....when your really not :-))

my wife and I had problems. we went to the camp just us two and talked till 4am. we were not mean to each other but we didn't hold back either. after that i left for a few days. we got back together and it's been great ever since. it was like we both needed to come clean
now we can talk without getting into a battle,

that was the best thing i ever did for my marraige!!

I would have a problem if my son would have to stay in a house where there is no discipline. You said that the step sons are out of control. Your son will be in that environment without you.

Good point man... Thats definitely something that you should bring into consideration. Kids pickup habits from older siblings very quick

Here's my experience. 1st marriage lasted 11 years. Feb-Sept romance. We moved in together after I had been in a bad m/c accident. She got pregnant, we got married. 2 daughters, they were 10 and 7 when I couldn't take it anymore and left.

Tried counseling, realized that would not work, as the counselor just wanted me to "remember" the "abuse" I had obviously suffered as a child. Plus, she had huge breasteses and I couldn't stop looking at them. LOL.

I did a lot of stuff wrong, and so did she, we both changed a lot. I was making darn good money then, and stopped going straight home after work. I guarantee you that I wasted over $50,000 in 2.5 years on drinking, gambling, and strippers. It took a while to patch up my relationship with my girls, but everyone is good now.

Marriage number 2 will be 10 years this November. We were friends and co-workers for about 5 years before we started dating. She knew all about the stuff I had done, but she knew it was out of my system and we were good to go. Every now and then she will ask me something about if I had any desire to do any of that again. I just answer "Why go out for hamburger when you have filet mignon at home?" I haven't been to a strip club in 12 years, and every once in a while I'll stick $5 in a poker machine.

She fishes, lets me hunt all I want, we do nearly everything together.

Another thing, lawyer, get a good one. I don't care how amicable it may start out, her friends are gonna hammer her about what a piece of crap you are and she should take you for every penny she can. Trust me on this one, "HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED!"

I'm going to try and stay. I put everything out on the table last night and I feel it is in her hands. I know I still need to do my part but now she knows that I need help with the kids and will no longer be the bad one by myself. We are just going to take it day by day and see how it goes. I also told her that I am buying a boat and that is that. Have to take advantage of the upper habd for the two seconds I have it. :)

Be prepared for your ex-wife to belittle you to your son. She will tell him how you did not love him or you would not have left. She will use him as a tool to manipulate and beat you down, and she will sacrifice the well-being of your son to meet her need to bash you. Just be prepared for her to do things you never would have imagined she could/will do.

It is possible that your divorce could be different and maybe you will get along...do not trust her. You are going to see the biggest case of making her the victim and making it all about her...I will say it again...be prepared for her to say things to your son about you that are not true and you will never be prepared for what is gonna happen.

I hope it comes out different for you.

I know what you are talking about here because I have seen it numerous times. This is not always the case though.

My parents divorced and while they were pretending to still be a happy couple, life sucked!!! Once they split, it was better. My mom nor my dad really ever said anything bad about one another to the kids. Occasionally, something would slip but, it was followed by, "I'm sorry" or, "that's not the truth."

You are right though because it does happen but, not in every case.

Look at all your options before you throw in the towel but, and I speak from being the kid in the middle, don't stay for the kids. It's harder on the kids than you realize.

As far as the kids running the house, that's hell! My wife and I nearly fell off before we really got started due to this and he's a little'un! I'd say one thing and she'd say another that contradicted what I was trying to tell our son. Kids are tough and they can really run a marriage down if you let it. I finally had to tell my wife that no child, my own or others would run the home that I've worked so hard to keep. I guess, after numerous other talks/lectures, she has started to agree with me!?

Good luck my friend and remember that no matter what anyone here tells you is best, it is only their experience. Each and every marriage is as unique as those involved in it. You have to do what you feel is best for you.