Stupid things you've told your wife
 

I saw this on 2cool and thought it was pretty funny so let's hear them i'll start, but boy there's been many of stupid things come out my mouth. You see my brain really doesn't have a filter and when alcohol is involved i really get the runs of the mouth.

One day at my brother-n-laws after we got back from fishing and we've done had a few cool pops we were having a get together at his house. Well my wife and 21yr old sister-n-law are talking and my wife said i really want some implants. She said babe buy me some implants and my sister-n-law says while you're at it buy me some too. Well without thinking i said i'll buy them if i can try them, and the fireworks began.

Pics of Sister N law???

won't do that due to all the nasty comments that would be made. Trust me

I seen this on there the other day and my favorite was saying "I Do"....haha

yeah that was good

Come on guys i can't be the only ****head of a husband out there

"Thats the way your sister likes it too"!

"your voice really is annoying me"------Said that last night to my girlfriend.... in my defense-- she has pneumonia and her voice is really squeaky---it was annoying !!

The list of stupid crap I've said to my wife would burn up a 100 gig hard drive!

Not really the same thing, but close!

My sis-in-law is really coming out of her shell following her divorce. At a Sunday lunch not long ago, I stopped by to eat while on duty. My wife, her mom, and the 78 y/o grandmaw were in the kitchen. My sis-n-law makes the comment "did you taze anyone today". Well, not thinking, I pulled my Tazer, removed the dart pack, and gave her a glancing blow on the hip that lasted all of about 0.5 seconds. The point of impact was right above her back pocket and w/o warning - the loudest "F" bomb ever spoken in my mother n law's house was let out in front of everyone!!! Even the kids were like "Holy crap"!!!!

To make it worse, a few minutes later she dropped her pants in front of everyone to show us the marks from the Tazer. Apparently, when the drive stun made contact, a rivet from her jean was in the middle of the pattern. To this day, her grandmother and mom both look at me with evil eyes when I walk in the door in uniform.

Lol! I'm in the same boat as you! If I gave my wife this keyboard it would be smoking! I'm trying to think of one of my better ones.

There was also the time I shot my wife in the azz with a BB gun - think Goldenrod was there! Trust me fellas, don't ever do that!!!!

I've said lots of stupid things, but the one that really hit her godd was " quit being a beotch"

Recently, when I replaced the dishwasher, I told her that the next one...

Oh, even better, the joke about coming in drunk at 2 am, slapping her on the arse and, saying, "You're next big-un" really does start a fight!

Oh yeah, we got into a pretty heated argument a while back...I did the typical say some stupid **** that you know you shouldn't...Well, a couple of days later, she came back and said, "Have you noticed that I haven't been talking to you?!" The funniest thing I could think of and, apparently, the worst thing I could have said was, "Have you noticed that I haven't given a %#*# ?!" Let me testify now, before you all, she made up for those 2 days of silent treatment in 2 minutes! I'm not saying she stopped screaming obsenities at me in two minutes but, she made up for lost time!

There's plenty more but, I have to pay that vulture that sells insurance here so, I gotta go for now!

She begged and begged for that Zumba fitness video and used it about six times. After about three months of it sitting on the shelf and knowing full well that I have paid attention for her not using it, I slapped her on the behind one day and said "I see that Zumba dance I spent 100 bucks on is paying off." You could of cut diamonds with those eyes after that.

In front of friends i told her that it was time to trade my hen in for a chick,that did not sit well with her.

Had a big stack of cash in hand back when we moved the shop...About $6k in hundred dollar bills. When she saw me counting it, she inquired as to where it came from and how she had never seen it. I told her it came from work and that I had it hidden in places she would never think to look...The kitchen and the laundry room.

I had to give her a hundred just to shut her up after that dumb statement!

Told an ex after she asked.. Yeah I've dated prettier girls than you.

After a little fooling around I threw a rag at her and said, "Clean yourself off beotch. I'm threw with you."

Her and my SIL were eating a cookie they got in the mall one day and I sat there staring at them. When they said WHAT? I calmly told them that I could hear them getting fatter with each bite! Pissed the SIL off more than the wife.

Told her parents that she couldn't cook worth a crap, but it's ok because I married her for her abilities in the sack! Should have saw her dad's face!!

Trying to score one night and she kept pushing me off. I got out of bed and started geting dressed. She asked where I was going and I said out..... But remember, I asked you first!! It actually freaking worked!

These are some of the milder ones....... My wife is an angle for putting up with me.

LOL Matt! I told my f-i-l when he was down last here last time that I've just about got her trained on how to be a good woman...My m-i-l blew a cork and made them both leave for the evening!

I once bought my wife one of those mood rings. It had a stone in it that turned colors depending on her mood.
When she was in a good mood, it turned blue.
When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead : (

Reversed
 

This is somewhat the "shoe on the other foot". I was leaving for a business trip in Dallas. My wife noticed I had a bunch of cash. She asked why, and I said you know I might have to buy some. She said, just remember, what you got to buy, I can sell.

I asked my wife is she had ran out of diet pills. I was really asking because we both was taking them and I hadn't seen any for me to take for a few days. That's not the way she took it. Lol.


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Even if pickin
dont ever call them lazy

dont ever call them crazy

and dont ever say anything about big bone

Her notification tone on her phone is a beep beep beep......she was washing dishes one night and it went of in her back pocket......of course, I said......watch out! She's backing up!


Not good......

This one she did to herself.....

One night me and a couple buddies were sitting at the house drinking and listening to music. We were laughing at the Benjy Davis song "Can we do it with the lights on" when she asked what we were talking about. I told her it was a song and to guess the name..... That it was something I always aske her at night. She thinks for a second and with a straight face in front of everybody she says, "Can you put it in my butt!!!!!!:eek:" We rode her for a while for that one!!

omg!!!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!

i BET YOU DID!!!!!!!!

I used to refer to PMS and menstrual stuff as 10 days insanity. Not a good thing to mention during those 10 days of insanity!

Bwaaaaaaaa!!!! You win

I used to say youre just acting that way cause youre being hormonal... then I started living with her

You'll learn! Hahaha!

she said"we need to get a dishwasher"

I said "I already got one"

Another time she had been living with me a couple of months and didnt have a job but did all the house work and she asked me for some money to go eat with some friends. And I made some smart azz comment like "all you wanna do is spend money all the time"

Meaux, do you need to borrow a shovel or, do you have your own?! Haha!

Just asked my wife to help me with this thread...she is still laughing!

Not sure why but, she is STILL laughing.

Another time her parents were here, she came to the living room to ask what we all thought of her outfit for the night. I replied, "I'd hit it!" You could have heard a pin drop!

lmao

oh ive got one for sure lol

Man!! If my wife was on SC she would probably have thousands of great stories to make y'all laugh but unfortunately I'm always drunk when I do them so and have a memory problem as to the things I've done

i really dont see anything wrong with the things i say so i dont remember them, BUT i usually get a response like this:
1) "who the hell are you"
2)"i'm your fiance not your chroney"
3)" Are you a barn yard animal"
4)"you're a sexist, racist pig"

all of which are usually stratiglicy followed by "oh yeah i forgot i need your credit card ......."

I had a friend of mine that was fishing with his son in law one day and got to razzing him about when they were going to give him a grandchild. They had been married for several years and the son in law turned around and told his father in law "when I quit sticking it in the wrong hole" lmao....

That's awesome!

"Babe, its not gay if you and the other girl are both straight, just try it"

I've been after that same line for years! Complete failure thus far!

One time we were at the inlaws house and me and my father-n-law were ragging on each other and my wife comes out on the porch to get another beer from the fridge. My father-n-law says how i should be thanking him for what he does for me and i said like what. He said well i let you marry my beutiful daughter, and i said please that's the ugliest mother ****er i've ever been with. My wife just stopped dead in her tracks and looked at me with these eyes and my father-n-law was laughing his *** off. Needless to say she didn't talk to me the rest of the day, and yes beer was involved

Damn that hurt!!!!! That's worse than when I told mine your not fat, your fluffy!I guess there really is no nice way to tell them they got a few extra pounds on them.

Pleasantly plump doesn't work!!!

You're doing it wrong.....need some tips?

"You have the cutest chin"


"Awweee, do I really?"


"Yea, my favorite is second from the front."

That was a fun day! I gotta learn that what I think is hilarious usually isn't worth the laugh!

lol!!!!!!! Yeah, but my wife dishes it out too we have a fun marriage. One time we had a supper at the house, and me and my buddies were outside around a fire drinking and joking. Well all the ladies came outside to hang out and we got on the subject of sex. Well i open my big mouth and said mine better straighten up or i'm going get some strange stuff. Without even thinking she comes back with "i got all the strange you want you just can't reach it". All i could say was touche, and laugh.