Boom!

yeah i know she don't come back with much, but when she does it's usually good enough to make me shut my pie hole.

When I went to Vegas years ago for work and I was with ex she asked how expensive it was. Told her condoms were cheaper in bulk there... It got real quiet fast


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She had some cheese on her chin and I told her to whipe the bottom chin..... That one actually made her cry!

I guy I work with asked his wife last month what she wanted for Christmas and she said new jeans ... He said, well that's about right, as big as they are ill have to finance them .. True story

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Got her again tonight. We ate at my parents and my wife didn't eat much because she wasn't feeling good. My mom ask her if she ate lunch or not, and I jumped up with "Come on woman, look at her.... You know she don't miss a meal!" My dad almost spit out his potatoes!

Ok, I'll play. When The Hunger Games was a popular read with the ladies there was a bunch of hype about it, which I didn't quite get. About the same time my wonderful wife made one of her infamous meals, and I told her, "I finally figured out what the hunger game actually is. It's the game I play when you cook something terrible and I have to search far and wide to find something else to eat in this house!"

Needless to say she wasn't very happy...

I'll teach you to fish.

LOL

Mine asked me if I'd hold the other end of the king sized sheet the other night to help her fold them. While assisting her you could see the sparkle in her eye that I would actually stop what I was doing (nothing) to help when I couldn't help myself and said " these the sheets or your underware"?
Believe it or not my ole' lady has one of the greatest personalities one could have. I cought some grief over it , but not near as much as the wrenolds wrap on the toilet seat after a long nights work on the computer! Lol

Poor thing was all fancied up one mirnin for work, and I mean fancy ( designers pant suit)!
When she went to wash her coffe cup out to find the knozzle in the kitchen sink mysteriously had electrical tape wrapped around it!
She was soo P oooed she stayed home and worked that day!

Mine did that to me once!

You just gave me an idea!! Thanks a LOT!:shaking:

Good ones on here!

After a night of boozing it up we were arguing about something and she said to me "YOUR A FU*%@NG DUMB@SS!!!! To which my infinate wisdom hollerred back, "you married me, who is the FU(&%NG DUMB@SS Now!

I heard crickets for a week!

In another heated argument she threatened to leave me so "I can go find another girl". I said something to the fact, hell. i'm not getting married again, all i need is a maid and a hooker!

That was a VERY LONG MONTH!!!!! Still love her in our own quirky ways!

The worst I have said. Wife asked how her a$$ looked. I told her it looked like a hood of an old white ford that had been through a hail storm.

She is still not happy with that one.

As soon as the boat is done and paid for you can anything you want.....

I'm down a pool and a condo so far

Nine months pregnant and crying, told me " I look like a hippo"

I replied, "well you're a cute hippo" Crying immediately got louder and more annoying.

Alright after those laughs I'll have to bite.

One night with friends over I made some smartass comment. She made everyone laugh saying " keep it up and I'll cut you off" not to have one up on me I replied " you can't, you don't know where I'm getting it.

last year my sweet wife got diet crazy. After 3 months she had dropped 30lbs and was looking damn good. I told her one night I needed to get off my butt and lose 20 or so. Being a sweetheart she told me no you don't you look fine. I figure I'd pay her a compliment and told her. Heck no baby, I'm not gunna be the fat dude married to the hot chic.

She replied, what where you before? backfire.....

Woke up one morning, turned to my sleeping wife and said "Good morning Luv, what have I done wrong today?".

Luckily she laughed....... she knew she was fat

Mine asked, do these pants make my but look big? Then I asked, what do the pants have to do with it? She didn't really appreciate that one!

One night I'm joking around with her and say "I'm getting me some tonight" : her reply, "who said I was giving you some" to which I replied "who said I was talking about you?"

I'm still alive & we're still together after 24 years!

Mine asked one day "I wonder why women get periods"....... I said "I don't know about the rest but you get one because you deserve it!"

That didn't go over to well

Then I said, "naw baby I'm just messing with you, it's to bleed some of the b!7ch out once a month"

after mine heard a smart a$$ comment i said to her brothers about her yelled, "two words Bo- CUT OFF" and in the next breath i yelled "two more words Steph- FROM WHAT"... i thought her brothers were gonna fall on the floor. it pays to think FAST FELLAS!

Told mine that I always heard that men with large stomachs are building a shed over their tools. I had never heard of a woman building a shed over the playground.

Bout to head to the house for the evening. Gotta run back into the shop first and get my black electrical tape...Thanks to the a-hole that gave me the idea. I'll take pictures of what happened to me in the morning!

Lol. Be sure to post the blackeye.


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I use scotch tape.....cant see it!

That woman gonna beat your *** and make you like it!

You all are some DUMB SOME *****ES... A friend of mine use to say stupid stuff like that until one night he came home a little tipsy, tried to get some Azz..

He passed out.. She then got out of bed, tied the bed sheets over him and commence to beat the S it out of him with a BROOM...

He nows yudders NOTHING BUT sweet nothings to her.. Plus she keeps the Broom next to the BED, so he can see it... HA HA HA HA ...

Remember guys "YOU CAN ATTRACT MORE FLYS WITH HONEY"..... And last but not least... "Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night".

You right biggun, but I'm young enough that I can catch up for all the missed nights!! :cool:

LOL Matt... But I'm old ENOUGH to tell U... U can't catch up.. Everytime U miss the chance it's gone.. LOL... Mathmathically Spelling) Impossible.. LOL..

:D
After that try the vasaline on the toilet seat!:rolleyes:
That's another one I'll have to post when I get a minute!
You can use scotch tape also, it's clear and invisible to a woman's eyes! Lol

Wife in pain...must abort mission...for today, that is! Repercussions could be life threatening if I tried to pull it off tonight!

Ya know what?! She feels good enough tonight to run her mouth...clear packing tape held it down perfect! That being said, my ins deductible is high so, can yall take up some $ to cover it?! I bet I'll need it but, she's got it coming!

Oh lawd!!! Lol

Lmao!!!

This is gonna be good

Don't forget it's on there and catch a bath urself!
Last time I did it, it was priceless! I was sitting 10 ft across at the bar, the woman walks up turns faucet on, and immidiately turns away and go's for the stove not realizing its pumping water all over the kitchen!
When she finally turned around we both were laughing soo hard we could cry!
I looked at her and said well, u got a mess on ur hands, turned and walked out!
It was crickets:!!!!
Until I retired with two chamois to clean it up! :-)

Well, I set the trap. She never went to the faucet before bed last night. Thank God she didn't get up in the middle of the night, while I was sleeping!! I figure my phone should be blowing up anytime now though...She's getting the kids ready for school!

Oh, this could be bad! I figure, by now, she knows why I was in such a hurry to get out of the house this morning. I left at 6:45! LOL!! Oh, what have I started?! Thanks a lot guys! UGH!

you better pick up a big thing of lotion on your way home today, cause sir you are officialy cut off

Well, I'm on the phone with her now. I've had an easier time understanding those import customer service reps than her right now! WOW!

LMBO.


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dead man talking!

lol!!!!!!!!! You're dead meat

well we would like to know all the details and the a$$ chewing you got

Home now, and like a paranoid war veteran, I'm checking EVERY corner! This isn't over, I am sure. She plays a cool hand when she needs to. Too bad, I pick up on that!....maybe! Haha!

Just sprayed off my plate and, she grinned. She said, "I won't forget."

I'm screwed!

Lol


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