[eman]

As we approach the beginning of another year, I want to thank all of you
for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am now TOTALLY SCREWED
UP
and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
the
waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.

I cannot use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
has
happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine
how many gallons of transfats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor
of a
public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat
crap
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every
envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of
ice
with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove
toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these
products
are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake
could be lurking under the seat and crawl up my ojete.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a Penny dropped in
the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting
to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports
Al
Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American
dictators.


I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.


Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with
their
hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.