The Modern Hunter

[wtretrievers]

As hunters prepare for the heart of another deer season one question looms large: How the heck did our fathers and grandfathers kill anything? Here they were, dressed in plaid makinaws, wearing plain old leather boots and wool trousers, carrying beat-up rifles with iron -- IRON! -- sights. What were they thinking? Deer are too smart for that kind of approach. Aren't they? Fortunately, today's deer hunter has almost everything he needs for a successful hunt. Except maybe for all the money he needs to buy everything he needs for a successful hunt. Behold, the whitetail hunter's ultimate arsenal.
Underwear Scentastic Stink-Buster underlayers, featuring super anti-microbial, coconut-fiber-infused, silver-dusted, moisture-wicking fabric first developed to keep astronauts odor-free during six-month-long, bath-less stays in the international space station. $100 for a set.
Midlayer Hunter Armor compression, moisture-wicking tops and bottoms, to keep you warm on cold days and cool on hot days, and to grip your rippling six-pack abs so you look like an NFL linebacker. That is if you have six-pack abs. Which you don't. $150 for a set.
Outerlayer Scentsucker XT-950 carbon-impregnated, waterproof, burrproof, bearproof, beerproof (but only back at camp), soundproof, breathable fabric featuring the newest Real Mossy Tree camo pattern as seen on TV in use by "pro" hunter Candy Bandolini and her husband, what's his name. $300.

Grand Jedlinsky | The Roanoke Times
Final layer Hunter Armor blaze orange vest. Blaze orange because it's the law (during firearms season). Hunter Armor brand because, well, it's Hunter Armor. $50.
Safety system Arrested Development safety harness, which uses an electronically-controlled ratchet technology adopted from the Volvo seatbelt system to gently lower you to the ground should you fall. $200.
Gum Chewoflauge Gum, guaranteed to mask even the worst halitosis with the pleasant aroma of deer-urine-soaked forest soil. $4.99 for 12 sticks.
Navigation Columbus Adventurer 7000 GPS with pre-loaded topo maps of North America, invaluable for navigating the 200 yards back to your truck, which you're pretty sure you parked "right over there." $450.
Communication Skitzoid 2 smart phone, for playing games while bored, sending texts to buddies asking if they've seen anything, and watching tiny videos of Candy Bandolini shooting Boone and Crockett bucks on game ranches. Free. (With two-year data plan contract.)
Footwear Sierra Footwear Hunter Xtreme boots featuring snakeproof, waterproof, scent-free, gator-resistant, titanium-infused neoprene uppers and 1,500-gram Thinsulate insulation. $200.
Knife Bull Knives Wapiti, folding lockblade knife featuring a 790HCT steel blade with gut hook and an ergonomically designed handle of Primoflex Nylon featuring Real Mossy Tree camo so you are guaranteed to never find it should you ever drop it. $100.
Gun Greening Z-Bolt Mountain Rifle with a titanium receiver, lightweight carbon fiber stock and match-grade barrel, topped with stellar glass such as the Zeissoski 4.5-14xAO scope featuring the finest in fully multi-coated Austrian optics. Capable of 1-inch groups at 200 yards. If only you were. $3,000.
Shells Whatever was on sale at Gander Mountain. $19.99 or less.
Calls Assortment of calls to make bleats, howls, roars, and wheezes, snorts, grunts, sniffs and sneezes. Plus rattling bags and plastic rattling antlers, which are supposed to sound more like antlers than actual antlers. Oh, and that thing that sounds like deer chewing on acorns. $100.
Scents Assortment of urine from dominant bucks, subordinate bucks, dominant does, subordinate does, fawns, skunks, foxes, wolverines and Doe #768409, who was just coming into peak estrous when some poor sucker at Wally's Deer Farm in Texas had to personally collect her pee. $150.
Scent dispersal Assortment of wicks, tubes, bombs, aerosol cans, heaters, and incense to ensure the proper employment of scents because, well, what fun is it to just dab a little on the ground or on a tree branch? $75
Camera Awesome Cam HD video camera so you can get incredibly crisp video of the barren woods 20 feet ahead of (or behind) where your deer is standing when you shoot it. Articulated camera arm sold separately. $249.99. Pack Aleutian Gear Ultimate Hunter internal-frame, hydration-ready pack featuring Real Mossy Tree camo so any deer that looks up and sees it hanging on the tree thinks it is just a big knot, which just happens to be next to a huge knot that is holding a rifle. $250.
Treestand Hardcore Hunter Goin' Deep cast-aluminum hang-on stand with 6-inch-thick Real Mossy Tree seat pad. Paired with a set of four Goin' Deeper climbing stix. Weighs a scant 13 pounds! Unless you actually weigh it, in which case it weighs 21 pounds. $350.
Pull-up rope Hunter's Little Helper Ultimate Hunter Hauler pull-up rope, which is pretty much just a 30-foot-long piece of brown string with two clips and the name "Hunter" attached to it. $4.99.
Transportation Kawazuki Everest 500cc, 4X4 all-terrain vehicle, which has all the power needed to haul all this gear the 200 yards to and from the stand. $8,000.
License Virginia muzzleloader license, general hunting license and big game license featuring five (or six) deer tags, three turkey tags and a bear tag. (None punched yet, but it's only a matter of time!) $54.