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The Comedy Club (Jokes, Humor) Tell your favorite jokes here! Keep it PG rated, please. |
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#1
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![]() for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am now TOTALLY SCREWED UP and have little chance of recovery. I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I cannot use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of transfats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and crawl up my ojete. AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a Penny dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. ![]() ![]() ![]() |
#2
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I don't consider myself a germ-a-phobe but I do use the hand sanitizer when I push the grocery basket for my wife. They say it's worse than touching the toilet seat at a truck stop. Good post E-Man...
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#3
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don't forget the hand sanitizer after filling up the gas tank
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#4
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Eman, that post could have been written by my MIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She has corrupted my boys to the point they will throw out anything within 1-2 days of expiration. Caught one going through the Frig and tossing out my food because it had expired. ![]() ![]() |
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