These Should Put A Smile On Your Face

[Andy C]

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering
the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

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Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin’ a mass for the poor
creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya’ tell
me the dog was Catholic?

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Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'


'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'


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Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of
them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

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Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young
girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how
old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize that you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

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Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'


'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to
zip down.'

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Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an
hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

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Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

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Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my
sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of
humor!'

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Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head
with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your trouser pocket.’

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of
the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned today'