Thanks You guys

[eman]

As we approach the beginning of another year, I want to thank all of you
for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am now TOTALLY SCREWED
UP
and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
the
waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.

I cannot use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
has
happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine
how many gallons of transfats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor
of a
public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat
crap
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every
envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of
ice
with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove
toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these
products
are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake
could be lurking under the seat and crawl up my ojete.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a Penny dropped in
the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting
to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports
Al
Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American
dictators.


I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.


Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with
their
hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

[Zachary Boy]

I don't consider myself a germ-a-phobe but I do use the hand sanitizer when I push the grocery basket for my wife. They say it's worse than touching the toilet seat at a truck stop. Good post E-Man...

[LPfishnTIM]

don't forget the hand sanitizer after filling up the gas tank

[Raymond]

Eman, that post could have been written by my MIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She has corrupted my boys to the point they will throw out anything within 1-2 days of expiration. Caught one going through the Frig and tossing out my food because it had expired. I have explained that if you will just scrape the green stuff off the bread it is still good. How many years will it take for us to realize germs are good for us?