The Modern Hunter

[wtretrievers]

As hunters prepare for the heart of another deer season one question looms large: How the heck did our fathers and grandfathers kill anything? Here they were, dressed in plaid makinaws, wearing plain old leather boots and wool trousers, carrying beat-up rifles with iron -- IRON! -- sights. What were they thinking? Deer are too smart for that kind of approach. Aren't they? Fortunately, today's deer hunter has almost everything he needs for a successful hunt. Except maybe for all the money he needs to buy everything he needs for a successful hunt. Behold, the whitetail hunter's ultimate arsenal.
Underwear Scentastic Stink-Buster underlayers, featuring super anti-microbial, coconut-fiber-infused, silver-dusted, moisture-wicking fabric first developed to keep astronauts odor-free during six-month-long, bath-less stays in the international space station. $100 for a set.
Midlayer Hunter Armor compression, moisture-wicking tops and bottoms, to keep you warm on cold days and cool on hot days, and to grip your rippling six-pack abs so you look like an NFL linebacker. That is if you have six-pack abs. Which you don't. $150 for a set.
Outerlayer Scentsucker XT-950 carbon-impregnated, waterproof, burrproof, bearproof, beerproof (but only back at camp), soundproof, breathable fabric featuring the newest Real Mossy Tree camo pattern as seen on TV in use by "pro" hunter Candy Bandolini and her husband, what's his name. $300.

Grand Jedlinsky | The Roanoke Times
Final layer Hunter Armor blaze orange vest. Blaze orange because it's the law (during firearms season). Hunter Armor brand because, well, it's Hunter Armor. $50.
Safety system Arrested Development safety harness, which uses an electronically-controlled ratchet technology adopted from the Volvo seatbelt system to gently lower you to the ground should you fall. $200.
Gum Chewoflauge Gum, guaranteed to mask even the worst halitosis with the pleasant aroma of deer-urine-soaked forest soil. $4.99 for 12 sticks.
Navigation Columbus Adventurer 7000 GPS with pre-loaded topo maps of North America, invaluable for navigating the 200 yards back to your truck, which you're pretty sure you parked "right over there." $450.
Communication Skitzoid 2 smart phone, for playing games while bored, sending texts to buddies asking if they've seen anything, and watching tiny videos of Candy Bandolini shooting Boone and Crockett bucks on game ranches. Free. (With two-year data plan contract.)
Footwear Sierra Footwear Hunter Xtreme boots featuring snakeproof, waterproof, scent-free, gator-resistant, titanium-infused neoprene uppers and 1,500-gram Thinsulate insulation. $200.
Knife Bull Knives Wapiti, folding lockblade knife featuring a 790HCT steel blade with gut hook and an ergonomically designed handle of Primoflex Nylon featuring Real Mossy Tree camo so you are guaranteed to never find it should you ever drop it. $100.
Gun Greening Z-Bolt Mountain Rifle with a titanium receiver, lightweight carbon fiber stock and match-grade barrel, topped with stellar glass such as the Zeissoski 4.5-14xAO scope featuring the finest in fully multi-coated Austrian optics. Capable of 1-inch groups at 200 yards. If only you were. $3,000.
Shells Whatever was on sale at Gander Mountain. $19.99 or less.
Calls Assortment of calls to make bleats, howls, roars, and wheezes, snorts, grunts, sniffs and sneezes. Plus rattling bags and plastic rattling antlers, which are supposed to sound more like antlers than actual antlers. Oh, and that thing that sounds like deer chewing on acorns. $100.
Scents Assortment of urine from dominant bucks, subordinate bucks, dominant does, subordinate does, fawns, skunks, foxes, wolverines and Doe #768409, who was just coming into peak estrous when some poor sucker at Wally's Deer Farm in Texas had to personally collect her pee. $150.
Scent dispersal Assortment of wicks, tubes, bombs, aerosol cans, heaters, and incense to ensure the proper employment of scents because, well, what fun is it to just dab a little on the ground or on a tree branch? $75
Camera Awesome Cam HD video camera so you can get incredibly crisp video of the barren woods 20 feet ahead of (or behind) where your deer is standing when you shoot it. Articulated camera arm sold separately. $249.99. Pack Aleutian Gear Ultimate Hunter internal-frame, hydration-ready pack featuring Real Mossy Tree camo so any deer that looks up and sees it hanging on the tree thinks it is just a big knot, which just happens to be next to a huge knot that is holding a rifle. $250.
Treestand Hardcore Hunter Goin' Deep cast-aluminum hang-on stand with 6-inch-thick Real Mossy Tree seat pad. Paired with a set of four Goin' Deeper climbing stix. Weighs a scant 13 pounds! Unless you actually weigh it, in which case it weighs 21 pounds. $350.
Pull-up rope Hunter's Little Helper Ultimate Hunter Hauler pull-up rope, which is pretty much just a 30-foot-long piece of brown string with two clips and the name "Hunter" attached to it. $4.99.
Transportation Kawazuki Everest 500cc, 4X4 all-terrain vehicle, which has all the power needed to haul all this gear the 200 yards to and from the stand. $8,000.
License Virginia muzzleloader license, general hunting license and big game license featuring five (or six) deer tags, three turkey tags and a bear tag. (None punched yet, but it's only a matter of time!) $54.

[longsidelandry]

Very true

[wtretrievers]

Originally Posted by Deadly D

Dang where did you copy that from. Funny but true. I would hate to do one on starting duck hunting

Or fishing!!!!

[meaux fishing]

Originally Posted by wtretrievers

Or fishing!!!!

you right about that.. at least with hunting there are seasons

[BIGJ]

Thats about right these days.
If you want to become a wealthy man, just invent something for hunting and people will definitly buy it.

[wtretrievers]

Originally Posted by BIGJ

Thats about right these days.
If you want to become a wealthy man, just invent something for hunting and people will definitly buy it.

You ought to see my oldest sons backpack! It weighs 30lbs! He's the gadget king! Grunt calls, bleats, rattle bags, buck bombs, scent heaters, Buck berry gel (***?) face mask, scent away, the thing that suppose to sound like deer eating acorns (***?) you name it & it's in there! I dumped on the floor one day & kicked around through & pulled out a grunt call & a flashlight handed it to him & said now go hunting, he swole up like a toad frog! LOL!

[Gerald]

The first couple of years I hunted......I got dressed with what ever I had hanging in the closet. Grabbed the Shotgun and some water and went hunting.

No camo, No scent free.....anything.

And I killed 2 or 3 deer each year.

[Dink]

Funniest thing I've read in a long time#!! Thanks bud!!

[redalertlures]

Guess Im old fashioned. 30-30 Marlin, no sling. 150 gr Winchester ammo. Blue Jeans, lace up boots, watever shirt I pull outta da closet. No blind. just 2x4's nailed to a tree up to a comfy fork. No feeder or plots planted. Just several rubs close to the waterin hole. Killed 2 8's and 2 6's this year. Dont care bout B&C, just wanted some good ole venison!

Hung from A frame used to work on log truck, used buck 110 and buck 119 folder to skin and debone. Processed all meat myself. No sense to pay $125 to get it ground up into "sausage". I can do that myself also.

Or maybe I am doing it the wrong way!!! LOL

[Zachary Boy]

I being a half-fast decent golfer watch my buddies show up at the golf course with $800 worth of irons, $400 golf bag , the latest nuclear powered titanium driver $450, the latest Under Armor golf fashions $175 and $200 golf shoes. They look just like Arnold Palmer until they actually swing the clubs. I play in blue jeans with a 25 year old set of Ping knock-offs $175 and drum their arses...They are completely befuddled "Hows he do dat?"..

[longsidelandry]

Originally Posted by Zachary Boy

I being a half-fast decent golfer watch my buddies show up at the golf course with $800 worth of irons, the latest nuclear powered titanium driver $450, the latest Under Armor golf fashions $175 and $200 golf shoes. They look just like Arnold Palmer until they actually swing the clubs. I play in blue jeans with a 25 year old set of Ping knock-offs $175 and drum their arses...They are completely befuddled "Hows he do dat?"..

lol that pretty much sums up my wife's cousin's fiance. He had never played golf before so he went buy a bunch of Under Armor golf clothes (even a "golf hat") and a set of decent clubs.
I played for the first time 2 summers ago and went to Academy and asked where the cheap clubs were, the associate brought me to some middle grade stuff, I said "No, you don't understand. I want the clubs that come the full set with the bag in a box for like $100." Went out to the course in some tennis shoes, shorts and a t-shirt. I don't understand why people think they need to look all spiffy to play golf.