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CatDaddy · #41 08-22-2009, 12:30 PM

Heard that Texas A&M no longer sells ice at the stadium?

The only student with the recipe graduated, and wont sell it..

Big Lake Blondie · #42 08-30-2009, 11:30 PM

two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
after a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel
the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
these two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'
the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says,
'you know, i think my girl was dead!'
'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?
'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'
'a witch ??. .. Why the hell would you say that?'
'well, i was making love to her,
kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her!'

Big Lake Blondie · #43 08-30-2009, 11:41 PM

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

CIGARETTES
AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, ' You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she..
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he notice d a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

speck-chaser · #44 08-31-2009, 08:07 AM

[SIZE=5]AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION[/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'[/SIZE][SIZE=2] [/SIZE][SIZE=4]

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]
so you may as[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'[/SIZE][SIZE=2] [/SIZE][SIZE=4]

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]
Now you go and behave yourself.'[/SIZE][SIZE=2] [/SIZE][SIZE=4]

Joey walks back to his pew,[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'[/SIZE]

huntin fool · #45 09-07-2009, 07:45 PM

A woman walked into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15
kids. "WOW!" the social worker exclaimed. "Are they all yours?"
"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighed, having heard
that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."
All the children rushed to find seats.
"Well," said the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names."
"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the
girls are all named 'Leighroy'"
In disbelief, the case worker asked, "Are you serious? They're
ALL named Leroy?"
Their momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes
a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the
street, I just yell Leroy' and all
of them stop. It's the smartest
idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thought this over for a bit, then wrinkled her
forehead and said tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid
to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Then I call them by their last names."

speck-chaser · #46 09-08-2009, 11:12 PM

just got this in an email. Whats the difference between the washington zoo and the white house? the washington zoo has an African lion. The white house has a lyin' African.

yak'em-n-stack'em · #47 09-08-2009, 11:17 PM

Racistttttt

speck-chaser · #48 09-08-2009, 11:32 PM

did I not call him African? whats the deal?

yak'em-n-stack'em · #49 09-09-2009, 12:08 AM

haha its a joke speck lol i say that all the time no worries

huntin fool i really laughed out loud on that one

CatDaddy · #50 09-09-2009, 02:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by speck-chaser

just got this in an email. Whats the difference between the washington zoo and the white house? the washington zoo has an African lion. The white house has a lyin' African.

LMAOOOOO

Quote:

Originally Posted by speck-chaser

did I not call him African? whats the deal?

Actually...... We dont know what he is....Nobody does..

catch.and.fillet · #51 09-09-2009, 03:34 AM

Sitting in an airport in Shanghai cruising the SC and here's my favorite:

Boudreaux, Thibodaux, and Aucoin are sitting at the fishin' camp drinking beer and Boudreaux offers:

"Man, whatchall tink is the fastest thing in the world?"

They were all quiet and Boudreaux says:

" I tink it's when you tink. You know, you tink of somtin', and you have a thought. It's like right there. That's got to be the fastest ting in the world."

They all took a swig and shook their heads, yep.

Thibodaux says:

"Man, I think it's when you blink. You know, you blink, you don't even notice it, your eyelids go down, man, that's fast."

They all took a swig and shook their heads, yep, that's fast.

Aucoin burps and says:

"Man, it's when you turn on the light, you know, lectricity. You turn on the light and it's on! What day call dat? Yea, speed of light."

They all took a swig and shook their heads, yep, that's fast.

Boudreaux all of sudden says:

"Nah, I change my answer.

"The fast tink in the world is diarreah."

Thibodaux and Aucoin looked at Boudreaux and bot said "Diarreah?".

Boudreaux said:

"Yea, man, I was sitting in my boxers yesterday watchin Oprah, and man, I felt like I had to a pass a little gas so I leaned over, and man, before I could TINK, BLINK, OR TURN ON THE LIGHT, I sh*t myself!"

speck-chaser · #52 09-09-2009, 10:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CatDaddy

LMAOOOOO

Actually...... We dont know what he is....Nobody does..

I can tell you a few things he aint!!!!

Big Lake Blondie · #53 10-01-2009, 10:07 PM

1) My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

2) My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

3) Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started ...

4) I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then that leaves me six guesses, which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

5) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

6) When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

7) After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

8) My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

9) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

10) A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

CatDaddy · #54 10-01-2009, 10:14 PM

For all you texas guys....

Copper wire facts

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Texas archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, A story in the Texas Times read: ' Texas archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later. A local newspaper in Louisiana reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near St. Martinville, Bubba Boudreaux, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Louisiana had already gone wireless..

Just makes you proud to live in Louisiana !

speck-chaser · #55 10-01-2009, 10:24 PM

Recently the Russians developed a titanium rod that was 100 times stronger than steel for its size, with a diameter that was so small it was invisible. Wanting to show off, they sent it to America. The Americans drilled a hole in the center of it and mailed it back.

CatDaddy · #56 10-06-2009, 12:48 PM

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to
the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said:
"Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood
knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid
her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances
can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly
sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"