JOKES!!!!

[CatDaddy]

Copy and paste some good CLEAN jokes here..

[CatDaddy]

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his[SIZE=2]
[/SIZE][SIZE=5]shoulder. The Bartender says,[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
[/SIZE][SIZE=5]"Hey, where did you get that?"[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

[/SIZE][SIZE=5]The "parrot" says,[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
[/SIZE][SIZE=5]Kenya[/SIZE][SIZE=5]........They are all over the place[/SIZE]

[yak'em-n-stack'em]

Boooooommmm

[Castaway]

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

[Red Devil]

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG..
Looks like a rat.. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale..

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent
condition.
$1, 000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

[BIG]

How To Shower Like a Woman



1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks


2. Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do

more sit-ups.


4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,and pumice stone.


5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.


6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.


7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.


8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.


9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.


10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs


12. Turn off shower


13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.


14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.


16. Return to bedroom wearing long bathrobe and towel on head.




How To Shower Like a Man




1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.


2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.


3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ***.


4. Get in the shower.


5. Wash your face


6. Wash your armpits


7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.


8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.


9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.


10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.


11. Shampoo your hair.


12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.


13. Pee.


14. Rinse off and get out of shower.


15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.


16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.


17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.


18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.


19. Throw wet towel on bed.

[Big Lake Blondie]

For the boys... lol...

From: The International Council of Man Laws.
For the avoidance of any doubt, the following have been decreed;

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Jessica Alba starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is optional. At
that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's
choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

8: When stumbling upon another guy watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing..

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model ,
and when it's free.

11: Only in situations of mortal peril are you al lowed to kick another
guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked..

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as=2 0the other sports watcher.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone ..
Hang up if necessary.

22: It's the morning after y ou and a girl who was formerly 'just a
friend' have had carnal, drunken sex. The fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.

24: It is illegal for a man to buy a car in the colors of brown, pink,
lime green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for
Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want! ' gets an
Xbox360. End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by y our wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife squarely
on the *** and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws.

[Big Lake Blondie]

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gottenover-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped inthe cemetery.One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take offher panties and use them.Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties anddid not want to ruin them.She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreathwith a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normallysweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned theother husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'mstarting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!''That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a cardstuck to her butt that said.....'From all of us at the Fire Station.We'll never forget you.''

[Big Lake Blondie]

[SIZE=5]Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries?[/SIZE][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4]A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to [/SIZE][SIZE=4]look for him. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]He appears to be in deep [/SIZE][SIZE=4]thought, just staring[/SIZE] [SIZE=4]at the wall[/SIZE]. [SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4]She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Why are you down here at this time of night?" [/SIZE][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4]The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just[/SIZE][SIZE=4] remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.[/SIZE] [SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4]The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. "Yes, I do" she replies. [/SIZE][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4]The husband [/SIZE][SIZE=4]pauses. The words were not coming easily. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" [/SIZE][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4]“Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. [/SIZE][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4]The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said,[/SIZE][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" [/SIZE][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4]"I remember that, too" she replies softly. [/SIZE][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4]He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...[/SIZE][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4]"I would have gotten out today."[/SIZE]

[Drake11]

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go down to N.O and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Baton Rouge until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to N.O. for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?

[Big Lake Blondie]

[SIZE=7]the Man Rules
[/SIZE][SIZE=5]At[/SIZE][SIZE=5] last a guy has taken the time to write this all down[/SIZE]

[SIZE=5]Finally[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=5],[/SIZE][SIZE=5] the guys' side of the story.
([/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=5]I[/SIZE][SIZE=5] must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear[/SIZE][SIZE=5][/SIZE][SIZE=7]"[/SIZE][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=7]the Rules[/SIZE][SIZE=7] "
[/SIZE][SIZE=5]From the female side.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=5]Now here are the rules from the male side.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]
[/SIZE][SIZE=5]These are our rules![/SIZE]

[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]

[SIZE=5]1. Men are NOT mind readers.

[/SIZE][SIZE=5]2[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

[/SIZE][SIZE=5]3[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

[/SIZE][SIZE=5]4[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. Crying is blackmail.

[/SIZE][SIZE=5]5[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. Ask for what you want.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=5]
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

[/SIZE][SIZE=5]6[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

[/SIZE][SIZE=5]7[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. Come to us with a problem[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=5]only[/SIZE][SIZE=5] if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


[/SIZE][SIZE=5]8[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


[/SIZE][SIZE=5]9[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1[/SIZE][SIZE=5]0[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the [/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=5]other [/SIZE][SIZE=5]way[/SIZE][SIZE=5]

1[/SIZE][SIZE=5]1[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1[/SIZE][SIZE=5]2[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials[/SIZE][SIZE=5]..[/SIZE][SIZE=5]

1[/SIZE][SIZE=5]3[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. Christopher Columbus did[/SIZE][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=5]NOT[/SIZE][SIZE=5] need directions and neither do we.

1[/SIZE][SIZE=5]4[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not [/SIZE][SIZE=5]A[/SIZE][SIZE=5] color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have [/SIZE][SIZE=5]no [/SIZE][SIZE=5]idea what mauve is.

1[/SIZE][SIZE=5]5[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. If it itches, it [/SIZE][SIZE=5]will[/SIZE][SIZE=5] be scratched.
We do that.

1[/SIZE][SIZE=5]6[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1[/SIZE][SIZE=5]7[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.

1[/SIZE][SIZE=5]8[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... [/SIZE][SIZE=5]Really[/SIZE][SIZE=5][/SIZE][SIZE=5].[/SIZE][SIZE=5]

1[/SIZE][SIZE=5]9[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey
or[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=5]golf.

[/SIZE][SIZE=5]20[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. You have enough clothes...

[/SIZE][SIZE=5]2[/SIZE][SIZE=5]1. You have too many shoes.

[/SIZE][SIZE=5]22[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. I am in shape.[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=5]Round[/SIZE][SIZE=5][/SIZE][SIZE=5]IS a shape!

[/SIZE][SIZE=5]23[/SIZE][SIZE=5]. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

[/SIZE][SIZE=5]But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh..

Pass this to as many women as you can -[/SIZE]

[SIZE=5]to give them a bigger laugh.[/SIZE]

[CatDaddy]

[SIZE=5]3 Kids Fishing

Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3
kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He
was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they
wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '

Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my
special Senator's airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air
Jordan 's shoes.'

Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!'[/SIZE]

[huntin fool]

lol catdaddy!!!!!!!.

[Dano]

"W" Most Famous "W"

[killa k]

[SIZE=4]An Aggie leaves College Station to go on vacation in Louisiana and decides he wants a pair of alligator boots but is reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.

"I'll just catch my own alligator," he tells one shopkeeper," so I can get a pair of boots for free."

He stomps out of the store and heads for the swamp.

Later, as the shopkeeper drives home, he spots the Aggie standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.

He takes aim and shoots the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watches in amazement as he struggles to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators are lined up.

"Oh, no," the Aggie shouts in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any boots either!"
[/SIZE]

[Big Flounder]

*Little Johnny Meets Barack Obama*

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and visiting one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy..'

So our illustrious President asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident"

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call a great loss.."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

"Well," says Little Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.."

[Big_Country]

that was freakin hilarious... got any more? : *****:

[Big Flounder]

Originally Posted by TheToledoBendBomber

that was freakin hilarious... got any more? : *****:

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, “What would you like to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles.
“OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know ****?”

[Big_Country]

YOU GOT EVERYBODY ROLLIN OVER HERE!!!! keep'em coming!!!

[Big Flounder]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read: “Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Love, Tommy